Today would have been my dear Papaw's 69th birthday.
In October it will be a year, since cancer took him away from us. Let me just say, that the saying, "You don't know what you've got, 'til it's gone", is one of the most true statements I've heard since his passing .
Before he passed away, my Papaw could be referred to as "mean" or "bossy". He could be both of those things. Most of all, though, he loved his friends and family with all his heart. He just had trouble showing it up until the last year. We could tell when he was realizing how he had, on certain occasions, taken us for granted. We each, in turn noticed how he was trying to make up for it, in our own timing. I, personally, didn't notice until he had passed away. The night before the funeral was to take place, I had dreams about him.
When I find myself missing him, like today, I have the most realistic dreams.
My Papaw was a tall man. So tall, that when I (5'4"ish) was standing next to him, my head would be about half a foot below his shoulder. That's what I miss most about him, I think. I'm not sure why. I think it was because he had this way of making you seem so secure just by placing an arm around your shoulder. Which was his normal pose, with me, if I stood next to him. He would gently place an around around my shoulder, which ended up being more of a hand rest for him.
I once had a dream about him doing his classic one-arm-sling-over-shoulder move. I rested my head against him and it felt so real. In my dream, I started crying though because I knew it wasn't real...I knew that it was going to end soon. That's when I woke up, gasping for air, in reality I had been letting out small yet very real sobs. I make none of it up.
It happened a lot the first 6 months after he passed.
I'm a military brat. I've moved a lot ever since I was a wee child. I'm used to not being near my Mammy and Papaw 24/7. The fact that it's been a year since I've seen my Papaw still has trouble registering with my brain that it's because he's dead. I feel like when I see my family this coming Christmas that it will all be normal again. At least, that's what I feel deep deep down. I know he's gone, but odd enough I can't get rid of that one little flicker of hope.
Maybe it's because one day, I will see him in Heaven? That may be it, but it just saddens me knowing that I won't be seeing him anytime soon. (That is, unless I die soon.)
There is so much I could write, and I've already written more than I had planned in the first place.
My little note to you, reading this, is cherish the moments with your family. It's precious....limited...and when they're gone you'll find yourself searching for those small moments you didn't pay much attention to when they were happening. -- Make those moments.
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When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time you think of me I know you'll miss me too;
When tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me I'm right here in your heart.
(Found on Facebook)
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